Ice Queen
by OCDdegrassi
Summary: Sirius is smitten with Petunia from the moment he first sees her. Unfortunately, he's an oblivious idiot. But he's also cute and has his moments. Crack(ish).


**Title:** Ice Queen  
 **Pairing:** Petunia/Sirius  
 **Rating:** T  
 **Warnings:** Sexual Content, Crack/Humor, OOC, One-Sided Relationship (sort of), AU (sort of)  
 **Note:** Written for siriusbarks for the "Monthly One Shot Exchange." I'm not even sure how it happened, but somehow this ended up being partially crack and partially serious. The combination turned out strange - sorry/not sorry.

xxx

Sirius looked at the muggle house in wonder. It was his final year at Hogwarts, and his best mate James had finally convinced Lily to give him a chance. Apparently that meant that James had to spend the Christmas holiday with her family, and Sirius had been dragged along for support. He didn't really mind though.

Lily's parents seemed nice enough, though a bit overly excited by their presence, as if they were basically Gods because they had magic. It was a bit off-putting, but Sirius shrugged it off. His eyes roamed around the room and froze when they landed on _her_.

Lily had told them that Petunia was visiting for the holidays, but she hadn't mentioned how utterly mesmerizing her sister was. Her blonde hair hung loosely around her head in ringlets, and her pale blue eyes seemed to be made of ice. She stood tall and stiff, her expression severe. She was thin, but she didn't look weak for it. She reminded Sirius of an ice queen. She was beautiful in a cold, distant way, and she seemed almost untouchable, as if she was only meant to be admired from afar.

She was wearing a violet sweater dress that _should_ have contrasted violently with her pale blue eyes, but the colors complimented each other in a way that made her look even lovelier. It made him think of their differences; the muggle and the wizard, her fair features and his dark ones, her intimidating personality and his friendly one. They shouldn't fit, but perhaps they would anyway. He decided right then and there that he had to have her.

He knew that it was going to be a challenge, but he was up for it. No girl was immune to his charm. Even if she resisted, it wouldn't last forever; she couldn't fight the inevitable. He had the "bad boy" look and attitude that made girls swoon, and Petunia would do the same eventually. When they were introduced, he sauntered over to her with an arrogant smile on his face, taking her hand and kissing it. She merely raised an eyebrow, looking very unimpressed, but Sirius wasn't done yet.

"Lily didn't mention that her sister was part Veela," he said flirtatiously. Sirius could tell that James was gaping behind him, but his eyes were focused on Petunia. She blinked in response, a look of confusion crossing her features before her eyes narrowed.

"Is that supposed to be some sort of insult?" She asked coldly. Sirius spluttered in shock. That was one of the best compliments that he'd ever given, and he certainly didn't give it out often. How could she think that it was an insult? He looked to Lily for an explanation, but the redhead merely rolled her eyes and gestured around the house. It took Sirius a second before it hit him: Petunia was a muggle. She had no idea what a Veela was. He cleared his throat.

"No, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I only meant to say that Lily never prepared me for your beauty," he replied, finishing with a sexy smile. Petunia rolled her eyes and walked away, leaving Sirius feeling very thrown off. He knew the Veela line was a mistake, but his other compliment should have made up for it. He watched her go quizzically, wondering why she wasn't giggling and twirling her hair like the other girls he flirted with. James came up and patted him on the shoulder.

"Sorry, mate, but I could have told you that you didn't stand a chance with her. You wouldn't want to anyway. She's as cold as ice." Sirius frowned, thinking about how much he loved winter, so the comment didn't deter him in the slightest. If anything, it only strengthened his resolve.

At dinner that evening, he kept shooting her flirtatious grins and winking, but she kept looking at him as if he were a fly that wouldn't stop bothering her. He didn't understand it at first, but he finally figured out that she must be playing hard to get. That was okay. It made the game even more fun. She even passed him the salt when he asked for, so obviously she was beginning to fall for his charm. He just needed to take it up a notch.

He was presented with the perfect opportunity that night when he ran into her alone in the upstairs hallway.

"So beautiful, want to go for a ride on my magic bike?" He offered. Girls _loved_ his bike. They thought it was dangerous and sexy, but Petunia look unamused.

"Is magic bike supposed to be a euphemism for your penis?" she deadpanned. Sirius spluttered, turning red in shock. He never blushed, but he wasn't expecting that. It was so direct and matter-of-fact; he wasn't prepared for it, and it left him feeling surprising self-conscious about the topic of sex.

"No, no, I meant my actual bike – my motorcycle!" he assured her. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"And why would I want to do that?" She asked as if the answer wasn't obvious. Sirius grinned at her attempt to be aloof; she wasn't fooling him.

"Because you'll get to hold onto me when I fly fast," he explained as if it were a great honor. She blinked at him again and sighed.

"You're really bad at this, you know." She walked away, leaving Sirius gaping stupidly after her. What did she mean he was bad at this? The ladies loved him! He was the playboy of Hogwarts! He was deep in thought as he entered the room that he and James would be staying in.

"Petunia said I'm bad at flirting. Why would she say that?" He asked in complete and utter confusion. He looked like a lost puppy, and James shook his head.

"I told you, she's as cold as ice. You're better off flirting with a telephone," he replied. Sirius was about to ask if telephones were hot, but a thought suddenly struck him.

"Oh, I get it! She's afraid of heights! Of course. Why didn't I think of that?" He grinned triumphantly at his conclusion, and James blinked at him.

"Right, Padfoot. That must be it," James drawled out slowly, and Sirius grinned.

"I know, I'll just have to use a different approach" he exclaimed, and James groaned.

"I'm begging you Padfoot, please let this go!" But Sirius ignored him, already thinking of his next move. He would just have to use his outrageously good looks to attract her. It was simple but effective. Now all he needed was an excuse to show off his toned chest.

So he devised a plan. The next morning, he would wake up early to take a shower. Then, he would wait until he heard footsteps in the hall and casually walk out of the bathroom in nothing but his towel as if he was going back to the room to get dressed. Petunia would be so turned on by body that she would throw herself at him. It was genius. He fell asleep with a confident grin on his face and dreamt of ice.

The next morning, he found himself bored out of his mind after 10 minutes of waiting. He had already played with his hair and cleaned underneath his fingernails. He was running out of things to do when he finally heard footsteps. He opened the door and began to walk out, looking sexy and completely natural, when he saw Lily. He deflated.

"Oh, it's just you," he grumbled and walked back into the bathroom, shutting the door and leaving a bewildered Lily in the hallway. He had to wait another 20 minutes until he heard footsteps again, during which time he looked through the Evans' medicine cabinet and read all the labels on the bottles. He fought to keep the smug grin off his face when he opened the door to the bathroom again.

He saw Petunia immediately, almost tripping over the doorframe because of it. She was wearing a silk nightgown that showed her nipples, hardened from the cold, sticking out through the thin fabric. There was a slit in the bottom that showed a tease of her legs, the material sliding against her milky skin like liquid. Sirius stood there drooling while she looked at him with a bored expression.

"Are you done with the bathroom?" she finally asked. He swallowed and nodded, and she walked past him, closing the bathroom door behind her. A grin spread across Sirius' face. Sure, he was left with a hard-on that needed to be taken care of, but it had worked! Petunia obviously needed to use the bathroom to escape her desire for him and relieve some of her own needs. Mission completed. It was only a matter of time now before Petunia was his.

Yet the more Sirius flirted with her over the next few days, the less interested she seemed. He knew that she was playing hard to get, but she was doing far too good of a job at it. By the last night of their stay, Sirius was beginning to wonder if she would ever let her walls down to give him a chance. For the first time in his life, he was beginning to lose his confidence. He supposed this was how James felt when Lily kept blowing him off for years, and now Sirius regretted not being more sympathetic.

He refused to give up though. He still had one more idea. When most of the occupants in the house had gone to bed, he found her alone in the living room, reading quietly. She rolled her eyes when she saw him, snapping her book shut and standing to walk away.

"Wait," he called out, starting to panic. This was his last chance. It _had_ to work. She must have heard the pleading edge to his tone, because she stopped and eyed him wearily. He presented her with the single, delicate flower.

"What is this for?" She asked skeptically, taking it carefully from his hands as if it might bite her.

"It reminds me of you," he answered genuinely. She scoffed and rubbed one of her temples as if to stave off an oncoming headache.

"My name is Petunia," she ground out, and he nodded.

"I know." And he did. It was the name that he thought of before he went to bed each night and the name on the tip of his tongue when he woke up each morning.

"This is a violet flower," she responded in annoyance, but he merely smiled.

"You were wearing a violet dress on the day that we first met." Her expression changed to one of surprise, and he continued. "I thought it was fascinating that the color didn't clash with your blue eyes. I wondered how two colors that shouldn't fit together could end up being so perfect. It wouldn't have worked on anyone else except you, because you're special," he said honestly.

He wasn't used to being so open or real about his affections, but nothing else had worked, and Sirius was willing to do something different for her. She looked at him skeptically, searching his face for any sign of a joke. She finally nodded minutely, more to herself than to him.

"I suppose you're not so bad - compared to all the other freaks that is." She paused, looking him up and down. "And you're not bad looking either." He grinned happily, and she rolled her eyes.

"Don't look so smug," she ordered. Before he could comply, she pressed her lips to his. His eyes widened for a second before quickly closing as he eagerly kissed her back.

Even her lips were cold, and he shivered, but he loved it. He was beginning to doubt that she was really a muggle, because the things that her tongue were doing _had_ to be magic. As they made their way up to her bedroom, he broke away from her lips.

"You're so beautiful," he breathed out, and she crashed her lips to his once again. Her skin was cold too, but he felt warm all over. Her hands, roaming over his body, were making his skin tingle, and his head felt fuzzy. It was exhilarating and intoxicating like nothing he'd ever experienced before. He pulled his lips away from hers again.

"I've never met someone like you before," he admitted, feeling the need to express everything that he was feeling and shower her with the compliments that she deserved. He wasn't sure why he was feeling so emotional, since he certainly never had with any other girl before, but he supposed that Petunia wasn't like any other girl. She merely rolled her eyes at his confession though.

"You talk too much," she complained, kissing him again and nibbling on his lip as he groaned. She pushed him down onto the bed and straddled him. His erection was straining painfully against his trousers, and he bit his lip as he looked up at her in awe.

"Do you have any idea how sexy you are?" he asked, and she huffed.

"Sirius?" He smiled up at her, loving the way his name sounded from her lips.

"Yes, love?" He asked.

"Shut up." He began to reply but she cut him off with another kiss. He tried to stay quiet, but he couldn't help it. He just wanted to tell her how incredible she was. For some reason, she ended up gagging him with her bra.

He supposed it was because she didn't want anyone to overhear them, which was smart. He was being a bit vocal, but he couldn't help it. Every touch sent a spark of electricity through his veins, and the little moans and whimpers that he was making were only natural. He thought that Petunia showed an enormous amount of self-control by not screaming out her own pleasure. He was very impressed.

Once they were done, she pulled the bra out of his mouth and lay down beside him to catch her breathe.

"You are ama–" he started, moving to cuddle her, but she shoved the bra back into his mouth and pushed him away. He watched as she got dressed quickly, pulling the bra out of his mouth again and wondering if that meant that he was supposed to keep it.

"Ah, you're leaving quickly because you don't want anyone to notice that we were together. Good thinking," he complimented, and she looked at him with an incredulous expression.

"Yea, that's why I'm leaving…" she finally said. Sirius just grinned at her, and she shook her head in disbelief. He couldn't blame her. She was probably still in shock at how mind-blowing their sex had been.

The next day, as they prepared to leave for Hogwarts, Sirius took her hand and held it in his.

"I shall write you every day, my love," he proclaimed, and Petunia sighed.

"Please don't." She said tiredly. Sirius cocked his head to the side.

"Should I write more often? I'm not really sure how this whole girlfriend-boyfriend thing works," he admitted, and Petunia looked horrified.

"No, no. We are not boyfriend and girlfriend! This was just a one-time thing," she insisted, shocking Sirius to the core. Didn't she want to be his girlfriend? The girls at Hogwarts would kill for this opportunity, and he was gifting it solely to her.

"But, dearest, why would you say that? We have a connection, and last night was magical." Petunia rolled her eyes.

"Yea, those 2 minutes were real magical," she muttered under her breath, and Sirius nodded in agreement.

"I know. So why are you saying it was just a one-time thing?" He was so confused. Petunia sighed and patted his head like a puppy.

"Bye Sirius," she replied and walked away. He watched her go with a strange ache in his chest. James walked up behind him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Sirius looked at his best friend with a confused expression, feeling completely lost.

"Prongs, I feel like I just got hit with a stunning spell in my chest. Is there something wrong with me?" He asked. Perhaps he needed to see a healer. James gave him an amused smile.

"No, Padfoot. You just actually like her, though Merlin knows why." Sirius blinked, not even responding to James' last comment, and his friend's expression suddenly softened.

"Look, I heard what Petunia just said. I'm sorry, mate. Are you okay?" Sirius thought about it for a second before realization dawned on him and he grinned widely.

"Of course I am. Will you be the best man at our wedding, Prongs?" James spluttered, his eyes popping out.

"Your what?!" he practically yelled, but Sirius just kept grinning.

"Well, she said our time together was magical, but she doesn't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. So obviously, she wants to be something _more_ than boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean, I still have to finish this last year of school, but come summer time, I wouldn't mind getting married. Though we may want to wait until later in the year for a winter wedding…" he trailed off, thinking about how lovely she would look in her gown beneath ice crystals with enchanted snow falling gently around them.

James just stood there gaping, but Sirius was still lost in his own thoughts. He and Petunia would have adorable children one day. He couldn't help but feel relieved that she had finally stopped playing hard to get and just accepted what they both obviously wanted.

Petunia was _his_ ice queen now, and he couldn't wait to serve her.

xxx

 **A/N:** Reviews are always appreciated.


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